Then and Now...

My Dad was rarely around when I was growing up. I missed him a lot...and often times I would have to get in touch with a distant relative to find him again just so I could see and spend some time with him.

When my parents where married my Dad was not a very good husband or father. Week after week he would take his pay check earnings and go to the bar and we would see him again when it came time for work the next week. He would blow all of his paycheck on booze and who knows what else. We went without a lot of the basics.. clothing, food and several times housing. I can remember being next door at my grandparents home standing on the front porch, and our landlord and a couple of his crew guys, went into our home... and just started unloading our house. All of our belongings.. clothes, beds, furniture etc.. was thrown out onto the front lawn for non payment of rent.

With all of our things on the front lawn.. I remember seeing my mom crying hysterically. But I also remember seeing everyone in the neighborhood and people driving by our home stopping and taking whatever they wanted of our stuff.

After the weekend of drinking.. my dad would come home and give my mom $20. The $20 was to buy food for the week... enough food for 3 young kids and two adults.. and she was expected to bring him enough money back for gas to get back and forth to work. We lived on soup beans.

Thats just one "mini" story out of several more that I can remember from such a young age. (3 or 4 years old)

Fast forward to present day... A lot of people don't understand why I have anything to do with my Dad today. After growing up with out him, not having what we needed like food and in general just being a dad. I am number 2 out of 5 children, and I am the only one that has anything to do with my dad.

I have been judged, I have been "de-faced" on facebook because of my dad being one of my friends, I have been treated like an outsider by many.

I respect people and their choices about my dad. I don't talk about my Dad to anyone except my husband. It's sometimes hard to feel normal, or feel like I am part of the family when I am with my other siblings, I have to "watch what I say or what story I tell for fear of offending or getting anyone upset if I bring up my dad.

When I'm with my dad I don't have to worry about what I say.. if he brings up the past I am 100% honest with him about how I feel. I don't let him make excuses.

He wasn't there for me growing up.. and we will never get that time back...but what is important is that I know he is there for me now. Depression is not easy, I've been through it before and its been a lot harder than it is now, he listens to me when all I can do is cry.

I have learned... that forgiveness is important in life.. and its important to me. And if being treated like an outsider or being de-faced on facebook is all I have to go through.. then I think I'm doing pretty well.